09/22/22

   Little did I know that I'd be doing the exact thing I needed for in the future. 

When I began this personal blog; I just wanted to release the deep intense feelings I was experiencing. I was looking for healthy ways of finding myself. Which as I look at them now as an adult-I am so proud of myself. You have always felt things differently. Yet you never gave up. From your parents divorce to the biggest heartbreaks. You never let go of that magic. I love you for that! Here I sit 10 years later reading feelings I am feeling all over again. How can I be reliving a similar chapter but with a different character? It's kinda funny in a dark humor kinda way. Little did I know that there would be a whole new journey & blessing right around the corner. 

   I feel that in so many ways- I've entered a whole new chapter..or book

..or Journey. Whatever this is! In one month- my relationship of 9 years ended, I left my job of 9 years for something new, My Home changed because I no longer shared the same space, My Father got remarried!!!, & I turned 30...whatever that means! 😅

   I mean coming from a person that absolutely hates change- way to reroute me God! In 2012, I decided to find a relationship with God & I am sad to say but I was unsure and that's exactly what my relationship with God reflected. It was a Luke warm relationship. Now that I think about it- so were all my relationships after that. Although he blessed me with a beautiful year in 2013- I feel I would've sustained my blessings in a healthier way if I would've grown emotionally & spiritually. That's a reflection for another time...

    I feel lost yet found. Numb but full of pain. Have a lot to love but no more to give. These past 4 months have been the weirdest!! I feel in a season of wait. Of patience. & of building. It's like I'm absolutely devastated of losing someone I felt I'd have too infinity & beyond. I truly regret the small moments I took for granted. Yet I feel this may be a wake up call I needed from getting into a routine life. 

   I Know One day I'll understand the reason for my pain. I have to believe there is a reason why I am hurting. I also have grown self aware of who I am little by little each day and spirituality have been awake to long for more understanding. That has to be a start! I pray each day that I soon find the understanding, reflection, love, security, peace & joy that this season brings.