Dead Flowers

All I have left are dead flowers and the memories of you. Memories i will no longer experience.  I do now want to give myself direction on when to feel or when to hurt. Yet I do not want to sit in the darkness. I can feel so heavy that I can get lost in the darkness to the point of almost no way out. I know how dark I can get. I can't allow myself to slip. I don't know why- I just can't lose myself. I have yet to find my undoubted purpose. But I know that I have one. I strongly feel I was destined for bigger and better things. I've heard God blesses with a life full of abundance. I know this is true. I sometimes fear it will never come again..because I may sometimes feel like I do not deserve it. Now that I reflect in life- I have a lot to be grateful for. I have been given a life of abundance. I just think I was too young to truly understand what to do with all of it. I need to learn. I need to be strong and courageous enough to not "waste the rain". I want my pain to have purpose and I was to grow from the ashes more radiant then ever. I want to sore high in the sky that I feel full of life. I know I deserve it. I am not perfect- neither do I want to be. But I don't want a heartbreak to be the end for me. I do not want to give up. I do not want to lose my spirit around me. I am grasping for the high spirit like if there is nothing left. As memories roll quickly in my brain like an old movie film. That is all I have. The good, The Bad, and the Ugly. I do not regret one bit of it. If I never get to see you again, then I at least get to write them on this blog. I can't hold on to those feelings forever. I do not want to control anymore. All I can do is let God take all of me. The only choices I want to learn to to make is who I allow into my peace, my energies, my thoughts, my mind, my body and my heart. I believe I was blessed with a gift. Other then being very empathetic about others, I can feel in my body when something isn't right or will not be. I think I am developing these gifts and I need to listen. I need to explore them and learn what they are saying to me because the only bad thing I've ever felt was the regret of not listening to the feeling. I can feel when a loved one is near and I get a spark when I am heading the right direction. But to listen I need to learn to be still. Even with the ugly. Learn to listen and be present with the good and the bad.